An Immodest Proposal.

There are people in the Facebook group for my neighborhood who are complaining that there are alligators living in the ponds behind their houses.

Memo to my neighbors: WE LIVE IN THE FRICKIN’ EVERGLADES, PEOPLE!!!!! Complaining about the gators in SW Florida is like complaining about the coyotes in Wyoming or the jumping cholla in Arizona: They literally come with the territory. Deal with it.

But I understand that my neighbors feel like they have to “do something” about the gator menace, and so that’s why I propose a simple, three-step solution to enact “common sense” gator laws that are absolutely guaranteed to get rid of the alligators from our community.

1. We label alligators as an especially dangerous type of animal, one that has no purpose in life other than to kill innocent human beings and their pets. It’ll be easy: We make a list of features found on a typical alligator (scaly skin, teeth, four legs, tail) and then label every reptile that has those features an “Assault Reptile,” or “AR” for short.

Gator-Free Zone2. We ban AR’s, and anything that LOOKS like an AR. As a result, these little guys will also be labelled as “Assault Reptiles” and banned along with alligators, but this ban will also affect the flood of cheap imported “Saturday Night Lizards” that are making our streets less safe. To be fair, some may say that banning these so-called “assault reptiles” will not actually affect a change on our streets because it will allow other deadly reptiles to roam free, but I say, if banning AR’s saves just one life, it’s worth it.

3. We put up signs like the one on the right around every pond, declaring our neighborhood to be a gator-free zone. We know from previous experience that these signs are 100% effective at keeping predators away from schools, banks, churches and government installations, so there is no reason to believe they will not be a deterrent to the deadly assault reptiles that infest our backyards, both here in SW Florida and throughout the south.

By enacting these common-sense gator laws, we can make our neighborhoods safe for our children, and our children’s children as well. I mean, just look at what they’ve done for neighborhoods in Chicago, Baltimore, New York and D.C.!